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When Homeschooling Turns You Mean

Let’s be honest, ladies.  Many days, I’m mean.  I know this problem is not exclusive to homeschooling moms, but we are a unique group.  Why does homeschooling turn us mean?

when homeschooling turns you mean

The first step is to acknowledge that we have a really, really difficult job.  Homeschooling often means no breaks and small children mixed with older children.  Since we’re home all day, things can quickly become messy in our homes.  We can make great routines, schedules, and chore charts, but some days we literally can’t be consistent due to LIFE.

For me, the stresses I listed above have often made me mean.  Sometimes I don’t hit the mean peak until 4pm.  However, after being up all night with a fussy 4 month old, I have started off mean before the sun rises.

I yell at the kids.  The mess and chaos steal my joy.  I forget why I’m investing this time in my children and think about sending them to public school. Over the past year, I’ve recognized this is a huge problem and that my life isn’t going to change anytime soon.  So, I’ve pinpointed triggers that frustrate me, and I *feel* things are much better in our homeschool.

There is always going to be something that makes our lives more stressful.  Morning sickness, newborns, teenagers, toddlers, illness, finances, and the list goes on.

How can you stay steady in the storm and create peace in your home?  Here’s what I did:

Dishes MUST be Done Before Bed

I just can’t wake up with a messy kitchen.  My husband is awesome and helps since I have a fussy baby in the evening.  However, once she’s sleeping better, I make sure my kitchen is pretty tidy for the next day.  What’s your household trigger?  Laundry? Legos everywhere?  Toothpaste in the sink?

Pinpoint Each Child’s Needs

For a couple years I tried to educate our two oldest children the same.  My 6-year-old son has been really frustrated lately, and it made us both mean.  Turns out, he needs total quiet for certain subjects.  He enjoys routine–totally opposite of me.  We made him a quiet spot for his desk with a lock on that door.  It’s helped tremendously.  Interview your kids one-on-one.  Ask what they like to differently in your homeschool.  You may be surprised.


Don’t Expect Public School

I made this mistake for too many years, and it’s really been liberating to ‘let it go’ as Elsa would say.  I used to have structured calendar time every morning, the Pledge of Allegiance, grade papers, etc.  These are great things–but I gave my kids and myself no flexibility.  I thought ‘If they were in school right now, they’d be busy–not watching cartoons!’  I felt so guilty if we weren’t on task 24/7 that I’d yell and bark commands.  I’ve eased up and we still accomplish more than enough schooling daily.  Let go of what you think this should look like.  Love your kids first.

Remember Why You’re Doing This

If I wanted someone to bark at my kids all day and command perfection, I SHOULD put them in school.  I want a great relationship with my kids and with the Lord (for them and me), and a strong sibling bond.  I want to foster a love of learning and strong work ethic.  Yelling and griping accomplishes none of this.

What if they whine and I go off the deep end?

Oh yes, this will happen.  You’ll wake up all set to be Michelle Duggar and by 8:15 you’ve lost it.  What do you do?  Start slow.  Give yourself grace. It took me months to retrain my brain and heart to be slow to anger.  I still lose it, often.

What do I do when I lose it?

I apologize to my kids.  I explain why I feel the way I do.  I’m honest.  If they are being disrespectful, lazy, or fighting with each other, I explain how that makes me feel and that’s why I turn mean.

This process has really helped my children with communicating their feelings and being able to trust me more.  It’s been an awesome journey.

So, if homeschooling has turned you mean too, be honest with yourself.  Own it.  Commit to changing yourself for your kids and your home.

Have any other tips for how to avoid ‘mommy anger’ in your homeschool?

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23 Comments

  1. I LOVE your point #2. I have never homeschooled myself, but I work with homeschool families and being able to focus in each child’s needs is an amazing opportunity. Speaking for myself, I think moms in general get mean because we have such high expectations for our kiddos and ourselves. This is a fabulous blog. Thank you for sharing your talents.

    Jen 🙂

  2. I have found that 3 PM is my “mean” time. So, every single person has to have rest time. No one is forced to take a nap, but everyone must be still and have their feet off the floor. They can listen to music, books on tape, read, draw, etc., but Mommy needs a break!!

    P.S. You misspelled “public” in your 3rd point. 🙂

    1. Thanks, Meagan. I was mortified to see that I had left that misspelling!! I do the editing of almost all of the posts before they go live, and I totally missed that one!

    2. I give my kids “room time” but the sound of their loud footsteps sometimes drive me crazy, I love the idea that their feet can’t touch the floor! Genius!

  3. Thanks so much for this article. This is exactly what I needed this morning. Lack of sleep – thanks to my 14 month-old, has sure got the better of me lately and this article was so refreshing. It helps to know there are others going through exactly what I am and know how I feel! I also have had to learn over the years to keep at the front of my mind WHY I choose to homeschool. Finding joy in it has been difficult some days but I know I’m right where I am meant to be. I now feel encoraged and able to get back into it and give it my all. I loved your advice on what to do when I lose it. I have definitely taken that advice to heart. Thanks again!

  4. I just talked to my husband about this very concern THIS week! I showed him this post and he asked: “Who wrote this? Mary Newman?” {me} LOL!… you literally pulled that dialogue from my head. It’s good to know I’m not alone! THANK YOU!

  5. I NEEDED THIS today! It’s such a relief to know I am not alone and others feel the same way. We are in our first year of homeschooling and I have already contemplated rejoining public schools (yuck!) I’m feeling a bit more normal and a little less crazy now. Thank you!!

  6. This came at a time when my “mean mama” has been out so much I was starting to think I imagined being any other way

  7. Every single thing you said so sounds exactly like me. I get there and I’ve been thinking and learning the same things. I have 6 at home. God bless you and yours! You ARE doing the right thing. Hearing your story too, has given me strength.

  8. I’ve been virtual schooling (at home) for 3 years now, and my #1 goal is not to raise my voice to my 8-year-old son (yes, I hear Michelle Duggar in my ear!) Still working toward this on tough days. I think letting go things that aren’t working, even in the midst of structure and routine, is a necessary part of staying sane and kind!

  9. Thankful for this post. Made me laugh and nearly cry. Thanks for being real! Yes, I too am one of those sometimes mean moms. I’m not proud about it, but we are overcomers by the word of our testimony, right?! God bless you and your family!

  10. I absolutely love your last point about communicating honestly with your children. I have found, in my household of 7 homeschooled children, that communicating honestly with them about how I’m feeling (tired, excited, frustrated) has helped them to learn that I am also a human being. It has caused them to have more patience with me and created more of a team work atmosphere. When I’m feeling tired, one of my sons offers to get me water, while another may ask if there is anything they can do to help. Honoring how I feel has also made me more tolerant of how their feeling and understanding to the fact that their energy levels are not always high either. Being patient with me, makes me more patient with them.

  11. Thank you for the honesty in this post. I don’t comment often on blogs, but this one deserves a shout out. I get angry often, and every word of this post resonated with me. It’s great to know I’m not alone in this. And I’m working to memorize James 1:19-20 that you used in this post. I’m also teaching it to my sons.
    One thing that’s helped me tremendously is realizing all anger is directed at God. If God is sovereign (and of course He is), any time I get upset at circumstances what I’m really saying is I don’t like how God is directing my life. He’s not doing a good enough job, and I need to take control. It changes how I see things when I keep this in mind.
    Thanks again.

  12. Remembering why I’m doing this is such a good point. It’s easy to get lost in the hecticness of day to day and forget the main point. Slowing down and loving my kids needs to be a priority. Stopping by from the Mom2Mom linkup.

  13. I have been praying about changing the atmosphere in my home – it’s become too negative. I literally just prayed about it again before sitting down to Facebook, and your blog post was the next thing on my news feed! Thank you for this post!

  14. I haven’t read all of the comments yet so I might be repeating something, but for me, I MUST prioritize getting enough sleep. When I’m exhausted, I’m mean, and that isn’t fair to anyone. Granted, my youngest is 3, so I’m not up nursing every 2 hours, but if we have a rough night: tummy bugs, nightmares, leg cramps, etc, then I know to give myself more room and to expect less during the day. Those days I nap at nap time, even if it means things don’t get done. I’ve also begun a mantra of sorts…something I say to my kids and myself when I find my anger rising, and it has helped beyond measure. I say “I am choosing to have Joy today and to Walk in the Spirit…I will not get sucked into this with you (directed at whatever kid is pushing my buttons) and will not allow your actions to ruin my day.” All this with a smile on my face, and most of the time, this works! Unless I’m tired. And then I go take a nap. 🙂

  15. Amen!! I have at times felt very overwhelmed. There’s really no breaks with being a homeschool mom. Doing the dishes before bed is so worth it. I want to wake up to a clean kitchen! When I get upset or mad, I’ve learned to think of just the moment (is it worth getting upset about)…not the entire day, or week…because when I get mad, it’s a rush of emotions usually from OTHER things that have upset me before or threw off my mood.

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