I was sitting somewhere with several women…we were at a little party. You know, one of the at home parties. I’ve never been successful at those for very long, but love that some families have found financial freedom through them. Ok, back to the point. At one… a Mom there mentioned that she homeschooled. I didn’t know that….and I didn’t really know what that meant, how it looked and I was curious. Genuinely Curious….
And I asked her: “So, what do you do all day?” My question was truly innocent, I meant nothing by it…except that I REALLY did want to know….I wanted to understand. Her response to me was something along the line of drawing a circle around her children and daring them to leave it while she sat and ate bon bons all day.
Wow….I wanted to crawl away and lick my wounds. I was a working Mom, had no desire (at the time to quit)….and really was curious because, while I loved being home with my children on the weekends, I had not quite broken free of the desire to be successful out in the world…
So, a year later, I was helping a friend paint a room in her home. Her phone rang and she came in with a big smile on her face and explained that one of her other friends was coming over and she could not wait for us to meet. You see, her friend was a homeschool Mom with several children, she ground her own wheat, baked her own bread and was such a consistent and loving parent…she couldn’t wait for us to meet.
In my mind, I went back to my first emotional meeting with a homeschool Mom and thought “Why would anyone want to grind wheat, bake bread and homeschool….well, I guess I’m in for another little conversation that will lead nowhere.”
You see, my first idea of homeschool had been shaped by someone else’s hurt. I did not know that people would actually make comments that they do and have and will make about homeschooling. I had no idea that the first Mom probably did not really know that I was genuinely intrigued by what she did everyday. That I wasn’t asking because I felt I was better than she was. I was intrigued because I really wanted to know.
I wonder….are we, homeschool Moms, becoming so jaded by the quips, comments, etc that we are quick to answer others’ questions in a way that is defensive and hurtful? Do we automatically assume that they think we’re nuts (btw….I enjoy a little nuttiness every once in a while)….
Here is the Bigger Question….Can we step out of sarcasm, hurt from others….and truly reach out even to those who are against homeschool in a loving way….with a soft/gentle answer?
A few weeks ago, I asked the question about what do you say when someone asks if you homeschool…..so, this isn’t the same question. It’s getting deeper to the heart…… Do we really understand why that person is asking the question? Could they be genuinely interested in homeschooling…and like me…too afraid to admit it….???????
We often question things we don’t understand and I truly believe…that most people are intrigued….they desire a home life that is built on many of the attributes you see in a homeschool family…..Can you reach out and do that, even to those who just think you’re absolutely nuts and make the answer so warm and loving that they would walk away feeling loved and not judged?
Rebecca is a Hip Homeschool Moms Senior Team Member, in love with Christ, her husband and her three children. She spends her days reading, writing, cooking, baking, etc and blogs at Mom’s Mustard Seeds
The problem I have does not come from people from the “outside”. Most of the non-Christians who ask about homeschooling, have never heard about it, and are genuinely asking out of interest. They really do want to know “if I’m qualified” or “what do I teach all day.”
The problem I have comes from veteran homeschool moms. I am in my second year of homeschooling, but I have been around homeschooling/homeschoolers most of my life. Several people in my family homeschool as well. I just happen to have younger kids (5, 4, 3, and 7mo.) than some of my homeschool peers, so I’m just getting started.
I have moms telling me that if I keep doing it the way I’m doing it, I am going to get burned out. I’m pretty sure no matter which way you choose to homeschool, you will get discouraged and feel burned out – just like a teacher in a traditional school would.
What I’ve been encountering lately is meeting a homeschool mom that immediately discects every aspect to my method of homeschooling, and makes me feel like an idiot. Somehow, having an actually schoolroom, and following a curriculum, is doing it the wrong way. I never had a desire to homeschool, until I saw my sister-in-law homeschooling this way. The idea of putting a curriculum together and teaching my kids all over my house was overwhelming to me. I’m a very orderly person, so having a room set aside just for homeschooling works much better for ME. Having a curriculum to help me keep focused and know that I’m on track with what my kids should be learning works better for ME. These are the same moms who tell you that once you homeschool, you will never be caught up on laundry or have a clean house again. Well, these things are important to me, and I’ve managed to keep my house up all of last year (and I was pregnant) and so far for the 3 months of homeschool this year. I actually think that when I don’t have toddlers or a baby, it will actually be easier to keep up on housework.
Why can’t SOME of these moms be encouraging? Why do they try to make you get discouraged before you get discouraged for yourself? Does any one else come across people like this? They try to disguise it as “concern,” but all it is is negativity.
*I must say, that for the ones that are discouraging, I have at least 5 that are encouraging, this is just something that I’ve been encountering this school year (and one was Sunday, at church~ UGH!)
OH, I am so sorry about that. We should be encouraging one another…at the same time, it’s always good to seek wisdom, but it’s a careful fence to walk…seeking and offering. I pray for your heart to heal…and for those wanting to share wisdom…to do so in a loving, gentle and respectful way!
I love this post! As I was reading I can recall many times I mounted on my hind legs and got ready to battle with someone that was simply inquiring. Usually by the end of the conversation I stand down and have given them a good overview of what it is like and the benefits to both parent and child………I will definitely think more about this in the future. Being defensive just makes them think you are as crazy as the world tries to portray! Stand down momma, stand down!
I remember sitting there…I remember not wanting to quit my job and not wanting to leave my baby at home…and because I didn’t understand the hurts she had probably had…I did not know how to adjust….it’s easy to become defensive, when we don’t understand something.
Wanted to give a different perspective to today’s question as well. I am an African American mom. Our family is considered a little different in the fact that all our children are adopted (not something that is extremely popular among AA’s) and we are homeschoolers (very few AA’s consider this). When I get defensive about it, I find that people’s questions are simply out of confusion or they are perplexed, like they have never seen our type of 2 headed dino before. It is funny! I just surround myself with mom’s that get it, whether they are black, white, asian or otherwise. Just a funny little twist to our story!
You sound like a very wise and fun Mom to hang out with.
I hear it both ways – inside and out. These past two years are our first have having no close homeschool friends, in a town with about 5 homeschooled families. I’m always wondering what the asker is really wanting to know. I may be less defensive, because I did get to be successful in the world, before having children. I was thankful that I didn’t feel like I was making a choice between two things, but rather a choice to move forward in this one thing. Thanks for the reminder not to become jaded and roll my eyes and make a comment that I think might be funny, when I’m talking to young women. I’d like my words to be encouraging them to be the best parents possible, Home, Private, or Public Academics shouldn’t make a difference.
What I try to remember…is some may really want to know, others may have another agenda….answering in love, that usually helps in any situation.
I certainly try not to be! I am (I think) less easily offended than most, and that helps a lot. If someone asks me an insulting question, I usually chalk it up to ignorance and smile my way through an explanation. Not everybody has learned to live and let live. That’s really not something I have the emotional energy to worry about. Not when I’ve got 4 kids to raise!
And Laura, there are certain kinds of people who know the only way is their way. It’s best to smile your way through that, too, and then go merrily on your way doing what *you* want to do. :0)
Yep…I think you nailed it. I don’t think ignorance in a bad way the way the world would see it…just a general lack of knowledge..
I dunno. I’m not particularly interested in protecting the feelings of strangers who ask me personal questions, and I’m not all that thin-skinned about being asked questions. Since I DO have empathy for the issues of parents, whatever they choose as school, I don’t have to search for it.
But I’ve been at this a while, and, as a secular homeschooler, find that I’m potentially more like people who don’t homeschool than maybe someone whose community is already used to homeschooling. In my case, people are more likely to ask in a kind of wistful ‘why are your kids so awesome’ way, and I know they’re not really interested in the answer. People would generally prefer to assume they’re doing everything in life correctly and just got bad breaks than to get and follow actual advice to change. that’s true in all categories.
The thing about your first encounter was… you WERE coming from a place of privilege, although I’m sure you intended no ill. SAHM’s have a set of insecurities, just as WM’s do. If she had turned to you and asked “How can you put a baby that young in daycare?”, even if she’d be genuinely interested, you might have reacted with “Well, we have a silly issue about eating.” Anyone can touch a nerve.
That’s why the old advice to avoid personal remarks is such a good one, I think.
Yes, your comment: Anyone can touch a nerve ….is exactly the point. She probably didn’t understand the true heart of my question…that I really wanted to understand…that I was truly curious….and it can become easy to just rattle off an answer to someone…not considering the true and genuine question they are asking. Thanks for your comment.
as humans
we tend to filter every word
through the lens of past experiences
many of us home schoolers
have been wounded countless times
by the cutting comments made by the ill-intentioned
and well-intentioned alike
so we sometimes build up a thick skin
to avoid further hurts
bitterness is often the result
and it permeates the atmosphere
affecting each unfortunate soul we then encounter
i have struggled with my share of bitter hurt
over unkind comments
and only through prayer
and support from fellow home school moms
have i been able to let go of past wounds
to allow me to treat others with something bordering on optimism
when i am approached about our educational lifestyle
a am still offended occasionally
but then
who in this life
isn’t?
simply.beautiful. Thank you!
That is a really good question. I feel like I am able to answer most HS questions with out getting ticked off, or mad. I try to be informative, without sounding like I am a better than the person asking, or that I am judging them. (It is a recruiting time!) It has been my family (grandma) that has had me in tears, mad as heck, and swearing off all family gatherings.
This is what I try to think about: when Jesus was spreading Christianity I feel certain he explained why? how? endured, “you are crazy.” He spread his word with out getting mad, ticked off and in the end endured much more than I will by answering the, “Why do you homeschool, and how do you do it, are you doing a good job,” without being rude and snotty.
PS for Laura
Do not take the comments of other homeschool moms to seriously. I would be willing to bet that they are not trying to be snotty and if they were, they probably did not realize it. ; ) The very best thing about homeschooling is you can talk to other moms, hear their ideas, thoughts and then go home and do what ever works right for your kids, it may be the same or something totally different. If you can keep your house spotless that is great, I personally struggle with spotless, I visit with my dust rag rarely, I know my vacuum pretty well and my washer and dryer know me pretty well. I told my husband the next raise he gets will need to go to a maid that is not named momma.. I will keep my fingers crossed. Also, my sis hauls her kids to a homeschool PE class once a week, this is year two for her doing this. She told me last week, ” K, those homeschool moms are so weird!” I said really, ” they are worse than you?” ” Oh yes, they are sooo weird!” LOL
I think the one comment that I always hesitate to say anything to is: “I could never do that”…..I’m afraid anything I say will be taken wrong…from “I didn’t think I could either” “If I can do it, anyone can”…..what do you say to that? I generally just smile a little smile and say…Some days are tough and others are nice…and then I quickly change the topic….
“I could never do that,” was the first thing my mom told me. I honestly thought, ” well no, you could not have because you had to work and feed us.” She was a single parent. I do think every parent can homeschool, but do not think every parent should homeschool. Along the same lines of every adult can have children but not every adult should. I have said that there are a million ways to make sure your children are well educated, and this is what works best for my family. I do not say, : everyone can homeschool, sure you could, I think the public school here in…….. is a joke.” I always talk about the thing that I love most is, taking off the month of December and visiting our relatives and not having to squeeze it into a week of school vacation. I love watching my kids have the “light bulb moment’” when they finally get something. I really try to be honest about how hard it is, and that we are serious about it. For example: My husband was a ranch manager, I was the housekeeper, cook, yard chick, till the boss hired a caretaker (3 years later yuuck). While he was in at the ranch, boss man was pretty high maintenance. He decided that he was going to put on a dove hunt for him and 8 of his closest friends. I normally bought his groceries, would fix him a plate of supper ( what ever we ate at my house) and put it in oven for when he got in and would fix a burrito for him if he was to be out all day. Well he wanted me to cook, make the beds up, have beer iced down, and I guess put mints out on the pillows for his guests. I had to have a frank discussion on what he expected and asked first if it was OK for me to bring the kids when I cooked his meals, (there was no sitter within 100 miles and kids in the main house was not liked) and I told him that I could not afford to miss a week of school. He said well how long do you school? (snorty) I told him that I school for normal school hours in the morning till about 3 or 4pm. Ohh, I did not know it took that long? When you do normal work, play time outside, reading out loud to kids, and chase a toddler around yeah it takes time. He hired a cook.
Great points. I think we all need to remember that what we don’t know, sometimes scares us. I also feel it is important to treat people with respect. When I get asked this question, I answer it honestly. I can judge by their reaction their thoughts. If I can tell someone is just dead set against it, I don’t feel the need to defend it. I simply just state that homeschooling isn’t for everyone but it works great for us.
Ann, yes, very true!! We need to be aware of others…their feelings and how our words will impact them. You never know…they may really want to homeschool…and just are afraid to ask the true questions they want answers to! But…many do not…and that’s ok, too!
What a great post!! While what you said makes perfect sense, I don’t know that I’ve ever really thought about it in just this way. There ARE some questions that get me a little more defensive and frustrated but for all questions I do try hard to be nice and answer what they’re asking. There were times in our early years that I got a little too defensive at times because some of the things that people said to me were just downright ridiculous! But I have matured and grown and am now able to answer things more effectively. Thanks for providing a new perspective on the questions we get asked!!
Donetta,
I’ve been on both sides of the fence…a working Mom who was NEVER going to quit…to one wanting it so badly…we had to make some major adjustments to do so…and now…it makes me remember what it was like….the mistakes I made then and now..and how to grow through them and make other choices.
Ouch
Yes, such a good point to have gentle answers even when we think the other person has wrong motives. I recently had a conversation with a mom who may have been truly interested and considering homeschooling for her children. I was very guarded and felt that she was prying. I have a TON of fear and anxiety about my state’s homeschool laws and often think that they are going to force me to put my kids into school so when someone starts digging and digging I am guarded. Instead of responding in confidence, love and truth I was guarded. I know that my anxiety is unfounded (or at least unlikely) but it truly keeps me from speaking confidently about what I believe in so much. Who knows – maybe my gentle but truthful answers would have helped her solve a dilemma in her own life. I may never know. Great article!
It can be awkward talking with someone…especially when you are not clear as to their motives. I think many people are concerned about the future freedom to Homeschool. We all need to be aware of the laws that directly impact Homeschooling and those that indirectly impact it, as well. Are you involved with any of the Homeschool Legal companies? There are some great ones…and they provide phenomenal support for homeschoolers at a very low price.
I feel like I know I am doing the right thing by teaching my children at home. So, I don’t worry what others think or feel the need to be defensive. Oh I’ve heard all of the snide HS comments, but I choose to ignore them, and certainly not let them jade my response to an innocent question.
Savannah, That is great that you have that confidence!!!!
My hurt comes from my family who every summer, acts like homeschooling was just a crazy phase. “So, your still going to homeschool her?” “You’re putting her in school this year, aren’t you?” “well, WHEN are you planning on putting her in school??!??!” As if she’s been truant this whole time.
Melisssa, I am so sorry that you experience hurt so close and so deep. Perhaps, as your children grow, they will see the benefits you know are there.